Death - 3

I am numb. I feel quiet. Absolutely quiet.  I have no words. I still cant believe it. I lost my aunt on friday and havent still come to terms with it. 

I feel a big void in my heart. I dont even want to analyse it, and yet I cant keep quiet, the silence is killing me. 

I want to hold her .. I want to  hold her so badly ... may be  just some part of her and yet she has dissolved into .... I dont know what, and I can do nothing about it.

 It was just a matter of 5 minutes. 

Pride, achievement, honour, loyalty, ethics, principles, self respect, charity, security, fame, money are mere hollow words ...  All you are left with are a handful of ashes. And you can do nothing about it .. nothing.

few voices

भाजी कशी दिली ?
५ रुपया ला दोन जुड्या
ओ...ओ.... चार ला घ्या हो ताई ... aika न

हे shewatche घेउन ja हो taai, दुपार पासून बस्लोया
kitila ?
तीन रुपये
दोन madhe detos का ?
........
.......
घ्या

एक भेल घेऊ का दोन ?
एक , सगल्यान एक एक
8 rupayaa chi haay
जा tikada ... nemicha
..........
...........
दोन bheL dyaa

Choice 2

I got up in the morning, was planning to go out,

nothing unusual, just to get some bread and sprout

But as i was steeping out, I thought of all the ants,

who might get crushed as I walk by in all my ignorance.

I thought of an accident which might take place,

Ofcourse i will be careful, but not the child careless.

I thought of the beggar, i will face down the street next,

will it be right to give him money or I just walk by, thats best !

I can by a foolish remark, hurt somebody's sentiment,

or ask a question innocently, that can cause torment.

After thinking a lot, I decided not to go,

all the while being careful, not to step on the ants at home.

At night I got to know, somebody needed help in the morning,

he was waiting on the road, i always go walking.

I sighed feeling sad, and went to bed hungry,

I had not brought the sprouts, .... probably, the beggar too shared my misery.

Choice

Every morning I getup and breathe, I feel like the butterfly whose mere flapping of wings may cause a tornado somewhere. Its all about choices, isnt it ?

Let me

Let me sit and talk to myself today,

about a hundred things unsaid,

buried deep in my heart, afraid to uncover.

Let me accept my mistakes,

and accept there will be more,

let me shout it loud for once, i am an ordinary mortal

Let me  accept my mediocrity,

and all my bourgeois ambitions,

let me throw off all the load that accompanies expectations

Let me for once be free, 

to do whatever i want,

and neither feel superior nor regret it at all

Let me clean out the need,

to be somebody else,

to be popular, to be vocal, to be winning always

and now let me do everything i can,

never measuring it up,

just do it because i want to.

Death

I have never felt so close to death as i did yesterday ... it almost felt as if it was just a matter of choice - no strings attached. For a moment I thought of how sad my family will be ... i could even imagine their faces and then it dawned on me ... i will never be around to see the pain ! I mean evrything will just stop .. I will never know what happens next ... nobody to tell the story ...  so simple really ! (Death looks beautiful in the movies .. when there is somebody to tell you what happens next) 

So why did i want to die .. welll cos i dont really like anything .... i mean i have no complaints, but i have no passion either. and having realised that u can never know the truth  its only a pain to go through the everyday ritual. 

But wait ... something stuck me  .. if nothing really matters i should be more free ... If i am free to make choices of death, am i not free to choose in life ? 

P.S - I am perfectly safe and watching Biwi No 1 .. please do not worry or speculate 

Irony

I had been to FTII this morning, nice campus I must say. As i was on my way out, a group of students approached me. They needed a girl as one of the characters for their assignment. i agreed. We started with the set up.

They were given a 6 shot assignment. They had to depict a complete story in 6 frames or photographs. Somebody had chopped off a tree in their campus. In The first shot we were to look worried beside the chopped tree. In the last shot we were to plant a new sapling. 

(Wow i thought ! that was so simple, natural, constructive, practical and peaceful. I wish the different religious communities, sub communities, sub sub communities ... were listening.)

I liked the plan. We began shooting. At the last shot they realised - Hey we need a sapling to plant ...  Somebody quickly went and uprooted one. I am sure they will get an A+. 

Where are the lines ?

After an endless wait for openspace harper collins to declare the results of the poetry competition, i give up, i am publishing this poem irrespective of their conditions. Yes i really expected it could get some prize ... may be just a consolation.

The theme for the contest is 'borders' - nevertheless, i wrote what i wanted to - :) .. its a long long poem.

Enchanting Lines

It was all a sheet of plain paper,

No joy, no pain or anger for that matter.

 Get up, eat, sleep, was the only way of living

Nobody really alive, they were all just ‘being’.

 Then came a Wiseman from place unknown,

 Said “It was time, the blandness be gone”.

 He drew a line, studying the paper for long,

One part of it was right, the other he said was wrong.

 “From now onwards, things wont be same again,

There will be happiness and sorrow and anger and pain”.

 “There will be hope and faith and emotions plentiful,

You will soon realise, life could be beautiful”.

 “Sometimes it would be pink and sometimes it could be blue,

Now starts the fun, the game is left to you”.

And then he was gone, never to be seen again,

People went back to their life, waiting for it to begin.

Oh yes ! It all changed, nothing was as it was,

The line was all important, there were rules and laws.

People now felt happy, when the line was honoured,

Anger towards the outlaws, the laws should not be tampered.

There was hope and faith and start of new religions,

Something to hold as ‘truth’, or just some sort of opposition.

But slowly people complained, the line was inflexible,

This is not how it should be, we should be considerable.

There started to be exceptions, initially unnoticeable,

But as they grew, their resistance no longer remained so subtle.

With every passing day, they pushed the line a little,

We were born free they said, so why create obstacle ?

Then one day it happened, the line was out of sight,

“Hurray we are free, things will now be bright”

They sang and danced and had a lot of fun,

Nothing to stop them from making it happen.

But soon they realised, they couldn’t even take a side,

‘Cos everything was acceptable, everything right.

They were of course free to go, as far as they would,

But how do they decide, how much they should ?

Confused with the freedom, they were confused with possibility,

But more than anything they were scared of the responsibility.

Responsibility to own up, the decisions that they make,

To face the results of a step, they were not so sure to take.

They searched and searched, but the line had long faded,

They slowly realised, a decision will have to be made.

Everybody then, their own line drew,

Being true to it, was the only way to live.

Different, equal, all the lines compelling,

Fine, illusive, simply enchanting.

 

But thats not the point of the post - in the sense that is precisely the point of the post, but the poem makes  a point in the hypothetical situation. Heres the practical problem -

I was talking to manan the other day, and he asked me why i say i wont have a kid. Simple i said, apart from the fact that there is absolutely no point getting one more human being in this mess, i have some basic problems - for eg how do i tell him whats right and whats wrong ? i cannot tell him not to smoke or not to drink or not to indulge in premarital sex. I dont believe in god - so i cant tell him about that. I cant even answer a simple question of why are u living. I cannot take a stand for somebody else -  So till he gets 18 and is on paper capable of thinking for himself - how do i protect him from not being the person i dont want to him to become ? Now i dont even know if it is right to 'want' him become a certain way ... after all he is a different human being.

My mother had such a conviction in classifying  good and  bad. Sometimes i envy her - for the conviction and the faith. I think this is one big problem facing this generation.