Fooling myself

I try to fool myself in countless number of ways - the latest being sketching. I am trying to convince myself that i have added another feather to the already (illusionarily) heavy cap  and that i am trying to be myself  .. whatever that means. 

Guilt

I went to a place i had never been before. I needed to park my vehicle. I looked around for signs - there was P1 and P2 as usual. I thought of the date, it was 19th october - perfect i told myself, parked it under P1 and went inside. I was extremely happy for finding the right place to park - something that only people living in pune city can understand. Assured of my vehicle i went on my business.  

              But to my surprise i found my vehicle missing. I was surprised - never had i heard about the police picking up vehicles parked at the right place. Moreover, the mandatory chalk mark indicating where the vehicle was taken was missing. For the first time in my life I hoped wished and prayed that the police had indeed taken my vehicle.

               I went to the police station - to my relief i found my vehicle there. I was again extremely happy - wow that was a record of sorts - being extremely happy about something - twice in a day. I argued with the man there that i was not wrong and that there had been a mistake. To my relief another female complained of the same thing .. that she was right ( Now people can argue that since both of us were women - we essentially lacked the traffic sense - but i will choose to ignore this comment. ) He was in no mood to listen. Ok - i finally resigned - will you give me the reciept or i will have to wait for someone ? U will have to wait - that is if you want the reciept - he hinted. YES - i wanted the reciept - I dont remember when was  the last time i was so sure about something - anything. So i waited - on and on  .. finally the officer incharge arrived. I paid the customery 150 rupees - I was again happy - for not having paid the corrupt man and insisting on having a reciept - atleast the money will go to the government i thought. 

               Well - the officer gave me two reciepts - one for hundred and one for 50 . The 100 was authentic. The 50 reciept signed by her junior was similar to any other fake reciept that people generally procure. It had a stamp - it resembeled the finger that people these days so commonly  show .. yeah quite appropriate i thought. 

                But the most interesting part was this - i was actually extremely angry at them - for the corruption. So angry that i actually came up and wrote this post  :) .. never mind what i did about it -  I was angry really .. i dont remember when i felt extremely angry last time. And then in retrospect i understood the reason. I am jobless .. and somehow thats empowered me so much .. to be angry, to be happy. Whenever i had faced corruption earlier .. something held me back from getting angry - GUILT .. of earning so much ( so much can be debatable). I felt i had no right to complain if people were trying to make a living - fair or not fair. I paid the taxes then . I pay nothing now - yet .. there is this sense of being the jobless common man who has to face all the brunt .. it is so relieving :) 

           

Is it ok to be ordinary and mediocre ?

Doing what you want is perhaps the most difficult thing in life ... or is it knowing what you u want ?