tryin to discover myself

Hotel California

2012-01-01T03:19:00.005+05:30

Sometimes I wonder about what happens after death -

You can check-out any time you like,

But you can never leave !

Welcome to the Hotel California ....

Such a Lovely place ... Lovely place ...

Irony 2

2011-03-05T13:20:00.003+05:30

Recently I received a phone call from a very poor person confirming that she got the job. I had helped her monetarily in giving a bribe for the same. I didn't know how to react.

2010-12-23T22:35:00.002+05:30

I know that it's this very moment that is going to define the rest of my life ... yet, why is it so difficult to take a step ? Why is so difficult to start something .. to definitely decide something for yourself ?

2010-12-23T22:28:00.001+05:30

Why is it that sometimes you are always wrong ?

Death - 3

2009-07-02T19:51:00.002+05:30

I am numb. I feel quiet. Absolutely quiet. I have no words. I still cant believe it. I lost my aunt on friday and havent still come to terms with it.

I feel a big void in my heart. I dont even want to analyse it, and yet I cant keep quiet, the silence is killing me.

I want to hold her .. I want to hold her so badly ... may be just some part of her and yet she has dissolved into .... I dont know what, and I can do nothing about it.

It was just a matter of 5 minutes.

Pride, achievement, honour, loyalty, ethics, principles, self respect, charity, security, fame, money are mere hollow words ... All you are left with are a handful of ashes. And you can do nothing about it .. nothing.

few voices

2009-05-25T19:44:00.007+05:30

भाजी कशी दिली ?
५ रुपया ला दोन जुड्या
ओ...ओ.... चार ला घ्या हो ताई ... aika न

हे shewatche घेउन ja हो taai, दुपार पासून बस्लोया
kitila ?
तीन रुपये
दोन madhe detos का ?
........
.......
घ्या

एक भेल घेऊ का दोन ?
एक , सगल्यान एक एक
8 rupayaa chi haay
जा tikada ... nemicha
..........
...........
दोन bheL dyaa

Choice 2

2009-05-24T10:05:00.003+05:30

I got up in the morning, was planning to go out,

nothing unusual, just to get some bread and sprout

But as i was steeping out, I thought of all the ants,

who might get crushed as I walk by in all my ignorance.

I thought of an accident which might take place,

Ofcourse i will be careful, but not the child careless.

I thought of the beggar, i will face down the street next,

will it be right to give him money or I just walk by, thats best !

I can by a foolish remark, hurt somebody's sentiment,

or ask a question innocently, that can cause torment.

After thinking a lot, I decided not to go,

all the while being careful, not to step on the ants at home.

At night I got to know, somebody needed help in the morning,

he was waiting on the road, i always go walking.

I sighed feeling sad, and went to bed hungry,

I had not brought the sprouts, .... probably, the beggar too shared my misery.

Choice

2009-05-24T10:03:00.003+05:30

Every morning I getup and breathe, I feel like the butterfly whose mere flapping of wings may cause a tornado somewhere. Its all about choices, isnt it ?

Let me

2009-04-26T00:01:00.005+05:30

Let me sit and talk to myself today,

about a hundred things unsaid,

buried deep in my heart, afraid to uncover.

Let me accept my mistakes,

and accept there will be more,

let me shout it loud for once, i am an ordinary mortal

Let me accept my mediocrity,

and all my bourgeois ambitions,

let me throw off all the load that accompanies expectations

Let me for once be free,

to do whatever i want,

and neither feel superior nor regret it at all

Let me clean out the need,

to be somebody else,

to be popular, to be vocal, to be winning always

and now let me do everything i can,

never measuring it up,

just do it because i want to.

Death

2009-04-06T21:28:00.005+05:30

I have never felt so close to death as i did yesterday ... it almost felt as if it was just a matter of choice - no strings attached. For a moment I thought of how sad my family will be ... i could even imagine their faces and then it dawned on me ... i will never be around to see the pain ! I mean evrything will just stop .. I will never know what happens next ... nobody to tell the story ... so simple really ! (Death looks beautiful in the movies .. when there is somebody to tell you what happens next)

So why did i want to die .. welll cos i dont really like anything .... i mean i have no complaints, but i have no passion either. and having realised that u can never know the truth its only a pain to go through the everyday ritual.

But wait ... something stuck me .. if nothing really matters i should be more free ... If i am free to make choices of death, am i not free to choose in life ?

P.S - I am perfectly safe and watching Biwi No 1 .. please do not worry or speculate

Irony

2009-04-04T15:40:00.003+05:30

I had been to FTII this morning, nice campus I must say. As i was on my way out, a group of students approached me. They needed a girl as one of the characters for their assignment. i agreed. We started with the set up.

They were given a 6 shot assignment. They had to depict a complete story in 6 frames or photographs. Somebody had chopped off a tree in their campus. In The first shot we were to look worried beside the chopped tree. In the last shot we were to plant a new sapling.

(Wow i thought ! that was so simple, natural, constructive, practical and peaceful. I wish the different religious communities, sub communities, sub sub communities ... were listening.)

I liked the plan. We began shooting. At the last shot they realised - Hey we need a sapling to plant ... Somebody quickly went and uprooted one. I am sure they will get an A+.

Where are the lines ?

2009-04-02T09:25:00.003+05:30

After an endless wait for openspace harper collins to declare the results of the poetry competition, i give up, i am publishing this poem irrespective of their conditions. Yes i really expected it could get some prize ... may be just a consolation.

The theme for the contest is 'borders' - nevertheless, i wrote what i wanted to - :) .. its a long long poem.

Enchanting Lines

It was all a sheet of plain paper,

No joy, no pain or anger for that matter.

Get up, eat, sleep, was the only way of living

Nobody really alive, they were all just ‘being’.

Then came a Wiseman from place unknown,

Said “It was time, the blandness be gone”.

He drew a line, studying the paper for long,

One part of it was right, the other he said was wrong.

“From now onwards, things wont be same again,

There will be happiness and sorrow and anger and pain”.

“There will be hope and faith and emotions plentiful,

You will soon realise, life could be beautiful”.

“Sometimes it would be pink and sometimes it could be blue,

Now starts the fun, the game is left to you”.

And then he was gone, never to be seen again,

People went back to their life, waiting for it to begin.

Oh yes ! It all changed, nothing was as it was,

The line was all important, there were rules and laws.

People now felt happy, when the line was honoured,

Anger towards the outlaws, the laws should not be tampered.

There was hope and faith and start of new religions,

Something to hold as ‘truth’, or just some sort of opposition.

But slowly people complained, the line was inflexible,

This is not how it should be, we should be considerable.

There started to be exceptions, initially unnoticeable,

But as they grew, their resistance no longer remained so subtle.

With every passing day, they pushed the line a little,

We were born free they said, so why create obstacle ?

Then one day it happened, the line was out of sight,

“Hurray we are free, things will now be bright”

They sang and danced and had a lot of fun,

Nothing to stop them from making it happen.

But soon they realised, they couldn’t even take a side,

‘Cos everything was acceptable, everything right.

They were of course free to go, as far as they would,

But how do they decide, how much they should ?

Confused with the freedom, they were confused with possibility,

But more than anything they were scared of the responsibility.

Responsibility to own up, the decisions that they make,

To face the results of a step, they were not so sure to take.

They searched and searched, but the line had long faded,

They slowly realised, a decision will have to be made.

Everybody then, their own line drew,

Being true to it, was the only way to live.

Different, equal, all the lines compelling,

Fine, illusive, simply enchanting.

But thats not the point of the post - in the sense that is precisely the point of the post, but the poem makes a point in the hypothetical situation. Heres the practical problem -

I was talking to manan the other day, and he asked me why i say i wont have a kid. Simple i said, apart from the fact that there is absolutely no point getting one more human being in this mess, i have some basic problems - for eg how do i tell him whats right and whats wrong ? i cannot tell him not to smoke or not to drink or not to indulge in premarital sex. I dont believe in god - so i cant tell him about that. I cant even answer a simple question of why are u living. I cannot take a stand for somebody else - So till he gets 18 and is on paper capable of thinking for himself - how do i protect him from not being the person i dont want to him to become ? Now i dont even know if it is right to 'want' him become a certain way ... after all he is a different human being.

My mother had such a conviction in classifying good and bad. Sometimes i envy her - for the conviction and the faith. I think this is one big problem facing this generation.

Shotu ani Mothu - 4

2008-11-01T14:33:00.003+05:30

sasu : santukkya ... maa na tui atwan yete salki. Me na atwani la lagonalas aae ani na haklunas denal aae ata

santu : tabada?

sasu : Mag .. ti na wedus aae. Tia tais talat nai. Tadi pan eun batte. Asa lokan kale jatat ta tadipan ? mag ti maya kale aae ki maa sagga kaam sodun tiya kades lassha dyawa laggta. Mag tais talta eet nai sasu la. :(

santu : :)

sasu : Pan santukkya ... me tia haklun dia ani ti palatas nai aai tal ? mag maa bhitis watte tishi. Mag ti nigun gei tal kay oil le ?

santu : Nais nigun danal. Mi palatas patwin tia tuyakale

sasu : yeeyeyyeyeye :)

Ani tua maitiye ka santukkya ... tu maa to white white bunny dia ota na .. me tyasa naav tuk tuk bunny tewlay. Ani na tuk tuk bunny sa ani atwanisa affailas aae. Tuk tuk bunny baael aa na .. ki atwan pan bael ete tyasha mago mag .. ti salki tysha balobalas filat atte. Me tyala pan manla .. tu kapatas basun laa. Naital tu aa ki atwan pan yeil .. mag sasulas tlas oil :(

santu : asa nai talaysa wedu .. appa plem aae na .. tasa tyansa pan plem aae .. Mag tuk tuk bunny la waait watel na ?

sasu : ooooo ... Mag tu tuk tuk bunny la sang ki salka nai kapatatun bael yaysa ... sasu latli mau mau dulai geun sopun gea na .. ki magas bael padaysa ..mag atwan aali tal sasu sagga laksha atwani kales deil sopnat :)

Fooling myself

2008-10-21T22:01:00.001+05:30

I try to fool myself in countless number of ways - the latest being sketching. I am trying to convince myself that i have added another feather to the already (illusionarily) heavy cap and that i am trying to be myself .. whatever that means.

Guilt

2008-10-20T17:51:00.000+05:30

I went to a place i had never been before. I needed to park my vehicle. I looked around for signs - there was P1 and P2 as usual. I thought of the date, it was 19th october - perfect i told myself, parked it under P1 and went inside. I was extremely happy for finding the right place to park - something that only people living in pune city can understand. Assured of my vehicle i went on my business.

But to my surprise i found my vehicle missing. I was surprised - never had i heard about the police picking up vehicles parked at the right place. Moreover, the mandatory chalk mark indicating where the vehicle was taken was missing. For the first time in my life I hoped wished and prayed that the police had indeed taken my vehicle.

I went to the police station - to my relief i found my vehicle there. I was again extremely happy - wow that was a record of sorts - being extremely happy about something - twice in a day. I argued with the man there that i was not wrong and that there had been a mistake. To my relief another female complained of the same thing .. that she was right ( Now people can argue that since both of us were women - we essentially lacked the traffic sense - but i will choose to ignore this comment. ) He was in no mood to listen. Ok - i finally resigned - will you give me the reciept or i will have to wait for someone ? U will have to wait - that is if you want the reciept - he hinted. YES - i wanted the reciept - I dont remember when was the last time i was so sure about something - anything. So i waited - on and on .. finally the officer incharge arrived. I paid the customery 150 rupees - I was again happy - for not having paid the corrupt man and insisting on having a reciept - atleast the money will go to the government i thought.

Well - the officer gave me two reciepts - one for hundred and one for 50 . The 100 was authentic. The 50 reciept signed by her junior was similar to any other fake reciept that people generally procure. It had a stamp - it resembeled the finger that people these days so commonly show .. yeah quite appropriate i thought.

But the most interesting part was this - i was actually extremely angry at them - for the corruption. So angry that i actually came up and wrote this post :) .. never mind what i did about it - I was angry really .. i dont remember when i felt extremely angry last time. And then in retrospect i understood the reason. I am jobless .. and somehow thats empowered me so much .. to be angry, to be happy. Whenever i had faced corruption earlier .. something held me back from getting angry - GUILT .. of earning so much ( so much can be debatable). I felt i had no right to complain if people were trying to make a living - fair or not fair. I paid the taxes then . I pay nothing now - yet .. there is this sense of being the jobless common man who has to face all the brunt .. it is so relieving :)

2008-10-06T17:47:00.000+05:30

Is it ok to be ordinary and mediocre ?

2008-10-06T17:46:00.000+05:30

Doing what you want is perhaps the most difficult thing in life ... or is it knowing what you u want ?

2008-09-08T10:15:00.000+05:30

Khush hain wahi jo .. thoda betaab hain

The Innumerable Pizza Huts

2008-09-04T08:26:00.000+05:30

I read a board outside the pizza hut. "Entry Rights reserved"
I didnt like it. Not that i was not allowed or something. I cursed the multinationals and their forced ideas of being IN, HIP and civilised. Rather of being fit to live. Its OK .. i shrugged. Perhaps i really dont fit here i told myself.

I had a flat tyre. I pushed my cycle all along to a cycle shop. There was truck parked outside the shop. The shop wasnt very big. Just like the road side shops offering to fill up air and remove the puncture. I told the owner that my cycle needed air.
Two of his friends sat there. He filled up the air.
Do you do the oiling as well ? i asked as he was working on the tyre
yes he said.
Ok. Please do that.
He went inside to keep the pump. Then he looked at his friend. I dont know what passed between them. But he just went and sat.
Oiling? i reminded.
woh 'cycle' ki dukan mein milega, he said with a tinge of superiority
I didnt understand it for a second or two. Then i recalled the truck parked outside.
Ok, i smiled reluctantly. Heres the money, i offered
Its OK he said. Keep it with you.

I remembered the sign outside pizza hut

Kamal ani Pani

2008-08-08T09:01:00.000+05:30

Kamal panyat budat nahi … kiwwa pani tayla budwat nahi.
panyacha tyachawar khup prem aahe …. Ka panyacha nailaj aahe ?
ani nailaj nasta tar tyane budawla asta ?
kamalasathi kay changlay he kon tharawnar ? kamal ? pan tyane tar budun pahilach nahiye.
Kamal budat nahi hyat haar nakki kunachi aahe …. Panyachi ki Kamalachi … ?Kadachit 'haar' ha shabd chuktoy ... Premat haar nastech ... kiwwa nasawi .. mahit nahi
Panyane he sweekarawe ki kamal budnar nahi ... karan kahihi aso.
Mag kamalane kay karawe ? Tyacha pan panyawarti prem aahe na .... Tyala awadta ka panyala dukhawna ? .... Mag te ka Budat nahi ? Kamal budala tar te kamal rahil ? Nahi ...
Pan panyane tar kamalawar prem kelay .. kamal kamal rahilach nahi tar panyala te awdel ?
Mag panyala nakki kay haway ?
Me sangu ...
Dukkha :)
Karan Pani mhanala na te masochist aahe

Kyun Naye Naye se Dard ki Firaq mein talash mein udaas hain dil ..

PS : Khara sangaycha tar .. Panyala character chi garaj aahe .. Mhanje tyala kunalach budawta yenar nahi . kunala budwawa asa watnar pan nahi

PPS : Panyala character milala tar panyacha kamlawar prem rahil ka ?

Independence madhe detachment naste ka ?

Mag detach jhalyawar te prem kasa urel ?

PPPS : Mag prem mhanje faqt 'soy' aahe ka ?

Shhhh....

2008-08-06T09:44:00.000+05:30

Silence .. the golden word !

2008-07-17T16:43:00.000+05:30

I have tried hard to be Dnyaneshwar - alas, i am way past 17 .. But may be, times not up for Gandhi :)

2008-06-26T16:47:00.000+05:30

B'cos I have chosen to live ... !

2008-06-20T15:20:00.000+05:30

I have been unfortunate to witness two deaths in last 4 days. -Both quiet similar to each other. First of a friend's father and the other of my real uncle.
My friend's father's case was an open and shut case of accident. Everybody knew he could die and it seems everybody was 'ready' for it. The only thing that went out of the usual course was that somebody had the heart to rob him off his money , mobile and gold when he lied there unconscious - fighting fo his life. Brilliant piece of humanity I must say.
My uncle's case on the other hand comes much more as a shock - probably because it happened at such a pace that it was difficult to sink it. He had been a jolly healthy man until a few days back - pretty much like a 20 something just graduating - thinking he has forever to make all the dreams come true. He had just had a nice chat with a few relatives that evening - probably he was even planning about what he will do in the coming months - "there are so many things to do - could somebody please stop the time !" Well - this time, time did stop - forever.
Though I have been staying in a hospital for all my life ( no i am not a mental patient - my parents are doctors), I must confess I had never been to an ICU, and though I have seen my parents waking up or returning at unearthly hours and worrying about the patients life like they were relatives, I had never given death a thought. So the hospital trip was as eyeopening to me as the dying man must have been to gautam buddha. I nearly missed a heart beat when I saw him in the ICU.
He had a brain haemorrhage. He was immediately admitted - rather admitted, operated, observed, medicated, operated again ... till they had exhausted it all - treatment , money and hope. In The initial days we thought he could get up any moment then. But moments turned to hours to days to a complete month. People had been so anxiously looking for a sign of recovery that they even reveried that they saw him blink. Alas ! So we had an unconscious man - who did not feel talk or underatand. All the ekta kapoor serials suddenly started seeming true when we came across the big word "coma" and we were typically left with a single answer for all the questions - 'we dont know' . Will he regain consciousness ? will he talk ? will he walk ? will he remember ? will he survive .... ? We dont know. We tried consoling each other by telling stories about how such pateints have miraculously survived - some after a year - 2 or even more. One of my relatives even went to the extent of telling a story of how a person who went into coma before independence woke up after independence. ... Thats all we could do after all.
Then one evening - his heart started having a problem. The BP droped, it was artificially kept up. He stopped breathing, was kept on a ventilator. His brain was dead. But now there was a bigger question to answer. How long should this go on .. just how long ... ?The minute the ventilator was taken out - the game would be over. I dont know if other people have a right to decide whether a person should die ... irrespective of however bad life it is. I feel extremely fortunate not be present there to decide - the life and death of a person - more so of a relative ... of some body very close to you ... to decide for a death which ends all the pain for that person - but with that, all the hope of seeing him alive. But somebody has to decide .. and so they did. The ventilator was sent to rest ... until next death.
At this moment however, i dont feel sorrow or loss - I cant help a sad smile - at the human beings .. the hollow hypocracy of human achievement and progress ... and their superlative insignificance in the grand scheme of things.

Shotu ani Mothu - 3

2008-06-12T09:58:00.000+05:30

ससु ला न लातली सोप्न पल्ल । ससु आनी संतू नं आपडी ताप्डी केलत ओते । सासु न एक्ल्लम गुड बॉय सालका वागत ओता तालन संतू त्याला गाजल देनल ओता :) । पं तिकले न एक वेग्लास बलीक ससु आला । मग संतू ने ससु ला माल्याव्ल्स तेउन दीला । आनी न नवीन ससु शिस बोलू लागला । मग ससु ला लाग आला अनी ससु सा नाक एक्ल्लम पीन्क पीन्क दाल अनी ससु लादाय्लास लागला । अनी मग ससु ला जग आली तल संतू ससु श्यास बाजूला दोपला ओता । मग ससु सोताशिस हसला अनी माऊ माऊ दुलाई गे उन शोपुं गेला । पं आता न ससु बलीक ओनाल आए मुई । अनी मग बलीक दाला की न संतू श्या खिशात च जाऊँ बस्नाले । मग दुस्ल्या ससु ला म्हना टूक टूक

2008-04-23T16:36:00.000+05:30

Taklumaal Maalpani ani Shemduddin Beg :)

2008-04-17T09:40:00.000+05:30

Tere vade pe jiye hum, Ye jaan jhoot nadan,
Khushi se mar na jate .. 'gar Aaitbar hota ..
- Ghalib

Sahela Re ..

2008-03-08T10:22:00.000+05:30

I had thought i got rid of you- your existence and your extremely irritating love for silence - forever. Completely ignoring our previous love affair, i had moved ahead, fully sure that Mothu was the only one for me - the only love. Until that day when i heard Mrs kishori amonkar sing Sahela Re. It cut me so much deeper ... and somehow it was not Mothu ... it was so mch beyond him .. It was YOU.

What the hell !!! ... It took me back to the days ... when we were so much in love ... You were the only one for me .. everything back then seemed perfect - i blindly loved you, and thought that you care - that you will not let anybody suffer -

And then - I betrayed you - or you betrayed me ... doesnt matter really. Didnt want to do this - honestly ... but you left me with no choice. I opened my eyes to see .. and i couldnt find you anywhere. I searched, reasoned, consoled myself, searched again.

I HATE YOUR SILENCE !

why didnt you just come and tell me what you wanted ...

But its over now. I loved you far too much to accept the fact that you are not fair - that the world is not fair - instead i chose to believe that you do not exist.

And honestly .. i am much happier since then - far too afraid of the world ... but happy. happy with the feeling of being alone. Nothing seems rosy - but then nothing matters now. I feel like any other person - neither burdened nor empowered by your love. I have accepted my defeat ... or the victory - its all the same. In fact everything in ths world is the same as every other thing.

So then you will ask me why am i still alive - good question really! .... cos i am afraid .. of death .. well, not exactly that .. actually, ... i have a faint hope .. to discover the TRUTH and somehow hope that it proves - You are fair.

for i = now to finding_truth
process_GOD = SUSPENDED
next i

Bye Bye - Sahela Re ..

Shotu ani Mothu - 2

2008-02-08T16:09:00.000+05:30

The War Is On ...

2008-01-31T16:54:00.000+05:30

The War Is Lurking About ... I Have Choosen To Win The Bout ...
Is It All About Choices? .... I Hope I Survive To Find Out !

एक शोतिश्शी लो स्तोली

2007-12-18T14:06:00.000+05:30

शोटू आणि मोठु - १

मोठु : मग ..... काय म्हणाली आजी ... उशिरा येण्या बद्दल ?
शोटू : :)
ओल्लाल्ली
शोटू ला

मोठु : :D
ताय मटली ?

शोटू : मी मनला ती मोठु होता न ...
तल ती मनली ... ती तो पन शेमला आए अनि तू पन ... तुमाला ताइश तलत नाई :D

मोठु : :D
मग आता ती आईला नाव साग्नाले ?

शोटू : आईला माइतिश आए :)
शोटू श नाव

मोठु : मग आई तुला तोंदुंन तेवेल ?

शोटू : नाइश ताई ... मग मी तुश्या क्ले पलून एइल
मग तू माला तुश्या घलात तेव्शील न ले मोठु ?

मोठु : ओ ओ ओ ..... माश घल तयाल दाल ती नत्ती
:)

शोटू : :(
तोपलेंत शोटू कुते शाइल ?

मोठु : आपन न शोटू साती न १ घल तयाल तलू

शोटू : मग शोटू ला बदुल्बुआ ने उशालूं नेला तल ?

मोठु : शोटू शोटू आए न , मद तिश घल लग्गेश तयाल ओइल

शोटू : :)
:)
:)
:)
शालेल

मोठु : तो त्या घलात एउस्श शक्नाल नाइ कई
मोठु : ते घल शोटू इक्कश शोटू असेल

शोटू : शालेल
शालेल
शोटू ला घल
शोटू ला घल
शोटू ला घल
मोठु ला पं घलात घ्याश ... शोटू ला मोठु थूप अव्ल्तो ....

मोठु : :) शालेल

शोटू : :)
:)
:)
शालेल
शालेल
शालेल
शोटू आनी मोठु
शोटू आनी मोठु
शोटू आनी मोठु
मोठु : मत्त मत्त मत्त

2007-12-06T14:00:00.000+05:30

me ek kavita "tayar" keli :) ... pan nantar kalala ... mala ti kadhi lihaychich navhti :) :)

2007-10-26T16:58:00.000+05:30

sometimes i wonder if i really want the answers ..... or i am just a masochist ... wallowing in my helplessness ....

may be like the song ...

Kyun Naye Naye Se Dard Ki Firaaq Mein Talaash Mein Udaas Hai Dil ....

CONTRADICTION

2007-10-18T12:43:00.000+05:30

"I just want you to be happy", i say
(and i want u to be happy with 'me', in my heart i pray)

"no expectations and no promises", i proudly claim
(oh please dont leave me !, my heart exclaim)

"I love u in the true sense, i want u to go places"
(of course i trust u love me ..... but then, ... why r u still in your senses ?)

Was love suppossed to be such a big contradiction?
i want u to be happy in ur own suffocation.

dont know what i actually doubt...
your love or my eligibility for the same ....

Tu

2007-09-05T14:04:00.000+05:30

Saw ‘tu’ yesterday …. Khup khup awadla … my eyes literally had tears. It was like coming home … back to something that was so mch a part of me … something I had somehow lost … it felt like gaining it back … love, liberation …. Bliss.

An absolute sense of belonging to him and yet complete liberation … from the wrongs, the fears, the insecurity …. Everything seemed pristine, pure .... everything reflected him … including me ….

Tere rang mein main rang jau,
Mere rang mein TU…
Allah o Allah ....

kavita

2007-08-29T09:40:00.000+05:30

somebody made this poem on me ....

A confused girl with curly hair,
Thinks she's sure, but never quite there.

One day she stands up and says she's fine
And then starts cribbing the very next line
She feels she's complete all by herself,
Needs no soul to accompany or help
Then she picks her phone and calls a friend
Dare he be busy! she feels but pretends
'Its allright' she says...'nothin serious'
I dont need anyone....now isnt that obvious

But now its interesting....what does she do
Grows harder outside, inside she does moo
She knows she depends but that then offends
Which one of these are you?
She likes to believe she 'is' what she would like to 'be'
Alas! my friend....ideals are far away from thee.
Rather cry out loud on feeling sad
than arguing within that this is bad
Wouldn't it be better to just be yourself
Right and wrong and heaven and hell
Theories these are one never knows
what hurts more...a thorn or a rose?

I AND IDOL

2007-08-29T08:39:00.001+05:30

According to me, idolizing somebody is perhaps the worst thing u could do to him.

So u are an ‘x’ person…. Confused, puzzled, impulsive and lost trying to find ur way out ….and ur idol, resolved, unshakable, principled, balance personified, … somebody who has answers to the critical “what is right and what is wrong”. It all starts with respect for him and then the respect grows by leaps and bounds .. till u become blind with the faith and completely surrender urself to him. This doesn’t sound selfish u will say … but wait … now starts the second act …. So now the other person is an integral part of u. and u make no qualms about accepting it .. on the other hand, u go on and tell this to the person. Make him realize what all u have been and are doin cos of him. Constantly keep on reminding him of the influence the person has on you. Intermittently talk of how you have been facing difficulties trying to act according to him and blow up emotional trumpets … something that’s called “senti maarna” in hinglish. (well, senti maarna sounds very cheap and though that’s none of ur intention, finally u end up doing just that)

Now, the idol himself gets overwhelmed by the respect you shower upon him. Being the good guy that he is, he is conscious of his influence on u and takes utmost care to be balanced in ur case. Now u get a little more selfish, and leave all ur philosophical and imaginary burdens on his shoulders. U are free to speak up ur mind whenever u want without giving it a shred of thought … ofcourse, cos u r supposed to be confused !!!!! and leave it to him to make sense out of it. U r free to behave the way u want .. bcos u r impulsive(didn’t I say that in the 4th line ?) and so u absolutely refuse to take up any responsibility whatsoever… right, cos u r lost. That’s what I call absolute freedom !!!!!!!!!!!!

And now ur idol, the great one, having been denied the freedom of making mistakes, struggles to make sense of whatever u do, taking care not to make mistakes, trying not to force up his views, trying to minimize the suffering u undergo cos of him and positively wanting to get u out of this. He thinks, ponders, introspects, fights with himself, curses…. pulls out his hair !!!!
But he manages it all for u … just that now he s a little confused and puzzled and sometimes… mind u just sometimes gets impulsive ….

CREATIVITY ?

2007-08-23T08:01:00.000+05:30

I dunno why is it that u never get to experience something in its purest form. Why everything has to be tinged with a certain not so favourable occurance or emotion to make u realize the imperfection of the thing u felt so nice about. Creativity for example.
Creativity is somehow cursed with an undeniable tag of ego to it. Sometimes I wonder why creativity is not free flowing … selfless, constructive, free of the need of appreciation , of praise, of possessiveness, of control … why is it so impatient, intolerant, impulsive.
Why is it that an artist needs to ‘hear’ it that a certain piece of art is good …or let us look at it in the very root … why is there a need to show it to smbdy else in the first place? Why isn’t the artform enuf in itself to provide him with all the solace in this world? Howmuchever our civilized modesty fool us into believing in the opposite , the truth remains that there is an urgent need to putforth, to tell, to show and ‘MAKE SURE’ it is seen by people who can appreciate it and ‘IT COULD COME TO U’ (this is always the subconscious effort)
And unfortunately, it doesn’t stop at this … creativity is intolerant … it detests interference … until u r madly in - 1. love or 2.awe of the person interfering. It wants everything to be its own – very own …the more others contribute, the more the joy is diluted … and it is possessive as well …. Somehow somebody else touching ur piece of art always causes an impulse of pain.
Creativity is selfish … It wants to give, but always with a tag of ‘me’ in it … ‘I’ suggested /worked hard/implemented/made sure/designed this. … ‘I’ made it better than it was … maybe I make it sound worse than it is, but that’s because I am worse than the others J

Once hridaynath mangeshkar was complemented by sanjeev abhyankar .. (plz do not take this lack of prefix adjectives like pandit to be my arrogance … its just that I am completely unaware of their hierarchy) . The latter complementing the former that his music was divine … and the former replied , “I mite be a good artist, but definitely not divine … I wouldn’t be here singing in front of u in that case… I would have relinquished ths and retired to the Himalayas … its my NEED to sing in front of u … “

Sometimes I think may be ‘uthal panyala khalkhalat far’ fits here perfectly. I guess its some kind of an insecurity that u feel … ur doubts about ur own creativity that creates the need of external approval … of being constantly reminded/assured of being creative … perhaps if u r ‘absolutely’ creative … nw ppl can argue on this and to be honest I ‘absolutely’ clueless about ‘absolute creativity’ … but then may be if u r either gifted enuf to have it or lucky enuf to develop it … u could be all that … pure, selfless, free, unaffected , balanced … no longer being tied by somebody else …. Just unadulterated bliss ….

For beginners though, we could start with questions like, “why did I feel the need to publish this blog ?” :)

.... Helpless hypocracy

2007-08-08T12:51:00.000+05:30

Prem mothe majhe tujhyahun,
Fusharki ne man sangta,
Karan tujhyatun mala kadhta hi
‘Tujha’ asa tuj pashi urta !

Pan kharach swarthy nahi re man
Nase rosh – tujhe majhya palikade hi astitwa
Matra matsar watto tyas,
Karte swatahchi pokalta aswastha …..

2007-08-01T15:15:00.000+05:30

"nakale maj kay jaali jyada ....
tujhya wirahachi aag ki tujhya astitwacha tej !"